Another Day has dawned

Well, I am feeling some better these past few days....I am going to start working fewer hours and the idea is nice but stressful at the same time. Will I be able to get things done? I have alot to finish before I "go". Our office is upside down right now, a director gone and new director come on Monday and many hopes and expectations for a better life at work.

I have been experienceing hormonal stuff and it has been difficult to feel so out of control of my own life, my thoughts, the words that come out of my mouth. My midwife thinks I am exhausted and that is why my head is cookcoo. I body is out of my control as well...the baby moves, absorbs my energy and nutrition, grows, I can't stop it, I can't have energy I can't bend over, I can't run, I am a factory at this point and the bottom line of a baby being produced is the final answer no matter how tired or fed up the factory worker is... Perhaps I should call this blog my Pregnancy Diary.....

Anyhoo I agree with Erica, life has been busy. I feel like the planet is spinning so fast....when will it end? I want to be by a lake, wind brezzing slightly, a drink in my hand, a slim body with an attractive swimsuit on (maybe even a bikini), and quiet, no voices calling, no phones ringing, no demands, no bills to pay, just a beautiful cottage behind me decorated by Design Inc. A man who actually loves me and does not wish I was something I am not comes out and quietly sits beside me and we absorb the quiet awe of life and it's sweetness....the cool breeze, the relaxing drink, a confident knowledge of being adored by your partner and the gentle sound of the water...

Now I have go and dress my kids, buy underware for my 5 year old, a present for a party at 2 and prepare for my part in church tomorrow...

God Have Mercy on Us!

I still haven't Found What I 'm looking for...

I really do feel like I am searching for something that I cannot quite put my finger on. Who do I want to be? who am I now? Is it ok that I don't have the house fixed up how I want it? Is it ok that I am 33 and make very little money? I have been out of school for 11 years without taking a course, that is so sad. I have not been able to read much lately, it seems to take so much out of me...I do not feel that I am partiulally good at anything...by this time in my life I thought I would be shaping up to be good at something, I would have found my niche. I NEVER would have pictured myself as an admissions officer at a university. I wonder what people in high school thought I would end up as? I wanted to be a diplomat on behalf of Canada...

I can think of two things that I really want to do still...one is to become a pastoral leader of some kind and two and it fits together I think, to be a counseller. I want to help people know that they are ok, to help them look through the eyes of Jesus, God, the Universe whatever you want to call it and see how beautiful and precious they are. I really believe this is the message God has for us, not that we need to be whipped into some kind of spiritual shape that can quote scripture at people. Most people I know, know how ugly they are, know they need something, someone to help them become.... I think the amazing mystery of God is the love that is so pure and so available and you don't have to do anything but accept and believe it was meant just for you...the way you are, not having to change a thing except to say, ok, I will accept the love of the unknown mystery out there and begin to believe that I am worth something. It is odd how difficult it is to accpet this and to believe the message that yes as Lorel says, "you are worth it!"

How do I do these things and make money and care for my family. Each day seems so overwhelming...I am tired, I am restless, my soul is bleeding...how can I ever help anyone else...I want my days to matter but I still haven't found what I am looking for...

LIfe Really SUCKS!!!!

Fuck, shit, damn and any other word that might work! I feel crappy, I hate my life and I don't want to live it. I was just watching TV and wishing that I was someone else, someone on that screen, not me. I am grumpy, fat, hormonal and poor and I hate all these things. Then I hear this voice in the back of my head that says I should be greatful for life, I should be gratefull that I can walk and talk and have my faculties, do I have my faculties?? I am not sure...I feel crippled all the time by a feeling of uselessness and an overwhelming sense of anger. Why anger?? I don't know I feel so incrediblly angery and I can't see to stop because I don't know where it is coming from. I want it to stop and I can't seem to numb myself enought to make it go away no matter what I do.. Ok enough self pity but I had to say it somehow. Where is God? What is contentment? Where is this peace that passes understanding, I haven't seen for a long time!