Dil Se

Something about the sensibilty of Indian film and fiction that exactly fits into my sensing world...poetry, dance, luxuory, forbidden love, colour, music, pain, extremes of all kinds.... I just watched a film that I borrowed from the library of the biggest fan of bollywood that I have ever met. (other then me) This movie ends up with two lovers who can't be with each other who explode themselves in a bomb in the name of love....one could say come on, that is a bit over the top but I don't feel that way. I thought it was so beautiful. Why don't I feel that way? There is something inside of me that wants to believe in a life that could be like that...of course it helps if you are a Hindu who believe in reincarnation so that you know you can back to life again and again and I am guessing that dying in the name of love gets you MANY Karma points.

I live vicariously in the passion of the poetry in those films, in the passion of the dance and the love of not only good tasting food but beautiful food...spice is often added only to create a certain colour. I want passion in my life...in all facets of my life. But to have the capasity to feel great passion one must also experiencel great pain. Everything feels so mudane...I have recently been in contact with some people who knew me in high school...a reunion has been purposed and I don't want to go....as much as my heart wants to be with people who know where I am from people who knew me when I was young and beautiful and going somewhere...I feel like they would be so surprised to see that I am fat, in a very normal job, soccer mom...nothing that changes the world. One of my classmates works with the UN in Cosavo another the with an organization to redue poverty....another just finished becoming a Physio and will go to third world countries and heal people. I guess the fact that I am in a few days going to be 34 doesn't help....

So how do I become more active in my own life? I always lecture about being present in life, living consiously...but for the past while, I have been running from consiousness...I don't want to feel anything. What is it about our culture that teaches us this? People keep so busy they can't feel, so full of food they can't feel, so much, so much....

The older I get the more lost I feel...maybe I can go to India and find myself like Alanis did...

Thank U"

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence