I still haven't Found What I 'm looking for...
I really do feel like I am searching for something that I cannot quite put my finger on. Who do I want to be? who am I now? Is it ok that I don't have the house fixed up how I want it? Is it ok that I am 33 and make very little money? I have been out of school for 11 years without taking a course, that is so sad. I have not been able to read much lately, it seems to take so much out of me...I do not feel that I am partiulally good at anything...by this time in my life I thought I would be shaping up to be good at something, I would have found my niche. I NEVER would have pictured myself as an admissions officer at a university. I wonder what people in high school thought I would end up as? I wanted to be a diplomat on behalf of Canada...
I can think of two things that I really want to do still...one is to become a pastoral leader of some kind and two and it fits together I think, to be a counseller. I want to help people know that they are ok, to help them look through the eyes of Jesus, God, the Universe whatever you want to call it and see how beautiful and precious they are. I really believe this is the message God has for us, not that we need to be whipped into some kind of spiritual shape that can quote scripture at people. Most people I know, know how ugly they are, know they need something, someone to help them become.... I think the amazing mystery of God is the love that is so pure and so available and you don't have to do anything but accept and believe it was meant just for you...the way you are, not having to change a thing except to say, ok, I will accept the love of the unknown mystery out there and begin to believe that I am worth something. It is odd how difficult it is to accpet this and to believe the message that yes as Lorel says, "you are worth it!"
How do I do these things and make money and care for my family. Each day seems so overwhelming...I am tired, I am restless, my soul is bleeding...how can I ever help anyone else...I want my days to matter but I still haven't found what I am looking for...
posted by mimlap @ 7/05/2005 06:25:00 p.m.
3 Comments:
Sometimes when you're in the middle of smelling and touching all the shit that's piling up around you is when you're perfectly equipped to help or "pastor" others. The gift that you can offer others can fill that hole.
And other times, you're most useful to someone when you've worked through some of your own shit first.
The thing about life is that you're never totally free of shit.
yes folks, the word of the night is shit.
Moving on,...
I really do think it's all about your focus - it's not easy to stay focused of couse (I certainly have trouble).
Maybe it's more of a filter metaphor I'm going for. A screen in which you view your life through. Despite the disappointment, frustration, lack of direction, you can see your own life as rosey and robust! And this inspires you to accept your beautiful self and your beautiful, meaningful gifts :)
p.s. I'm talking to myself here too...
I understand.
Well, you're up from Feeling Really Shitty to Feeling Mildly Shitty, which is a big improvement. Yay.
Ultra-Warren
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