New Blog

I have decided to start fresh and start a new blog....come visit me at http://happiness-mimlap.blogspot.com/

Thanks,

mimlap

A ha!

I have blogged and discussed and thought about sadness a lot in the past few years. Why are people so sad, why are so many depressed - what is normal sadness and when should you seek medical help. With the aid of Bono (U2) I think I finally understand something about peace thus about sadness.

I heard Bono say "Have the Peace that passes understanding, but do NOT be at peace with the world."

Let me flesh out my thoughts....

We should have a general sense of well being - the peace that passing understanding. The peace we cannot glean from anywhere - it is given us from The Father. But it is not a peace that leaves us happy - feeling good - feeling even keeled. It is a peace that passes understanding - that is there no matter what is going on, not matter what anyone says or does.

Not being at peace with the world says to me - there is much that should pain us, there is much that makes sense for us to feel sad, angry or upset about. Poverty, sickness, lack of justice.

I think "society" tells us that we should feel good all the time - that if you don't feel good you have find that which is pulling you down and get rid of it - whether it be a person, fat, money, lack of money, a boss - whatever . But we should not feel good all the time - there is much to be angst ridden about - I think this is why a lot of art is sad or angry....Often an artists is a person who is not at peace with the world and has to get it out some how - thus we have the Bonos of the world, the Bruce Cockburns, the Indigo Girls....

So I feel like I understand and appreciate something about myself and many other people - about the balance to look for between having the peace that passes understanding and NOT being at peace with the world...saying it is not only ok to not feel happy all the time but if you do, you are most likely not living honestly or in touch with your world....this was my Aha.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

How lovey are your branches.....

Well we finally got it up today - and decorated too! Some how it feels that is all is more right with the world when you have lights and a smell of pine and bayberry in the air. Unfortunatley, our stove is broken so I have not baked anything yet. I will have to make some squares that do not require baking. So I don't have the smell of anything baking in the case that you were wondering.

This is the first year I feel an enourmous amount of pressure to not disappoint my girls...they are so excited - they half believe in Santa Claus and if I get just the right thing I might be able to keep the faith that is faltering - alive. I realize it is all a plot to get you to spend spend spend - but their eyes shine with such excitment - if I didn't have a reasonable husband to answer to I would most likely buy all that is on the list. I would pay with stress and more debt but their eyes - their excitment - it is so beautiful and innocent - I want to give them everything even if it is not a good life lesson BUT.....I cant find that frekd3^$#@&(@$* Crystal Rainbow Castle. It does not seem to be sold in Canada and no company from the US will ship to Canada. Oh well....

Well gotta sleep - church tomorrow - the kids do their Christmas Play.

Love, Joy, Peace, to you all.

Angry Women

It's been awhile my fine friends. Well, I am back to getting up early on Saturdays while the kids watch cartoons. I could be buzzing around the house doing things but I just don't want to...I need to just be.

Today I want to discuss the women in life who are angry. There seem to be many women walking around angry....why?

(1) They have sacrificed so much in life that they did not really want to sacrifice and when they did not receive what they considered appropriate accolade, they get bitter
(2) they have been screwed by some man and want the world to pay
(3) They took a women's studies course, bought into EVERY extreme idea and think that the world owes them some serious retribution...and they can satisfy themselves thank you...hello Mr. Rabbit.
(4) most of the time the anger can be pushed down but every once in a while it bubbles to the surface and erupts in a seemlying inappropriate time that leaves those around asking...what happened, why is she so mad? These rage outbursts are usually only with a very significant other - they are the only one trusted enough to let the rage out on...lucky people.

I have experienced a number of women in my life who have decided to reclaim their lives and stop living passively( very brave) and those around do not react well at first...they want the"I will do whatever you want" person back. It usually takes the compromised women a year or two to find the balance between excerting their opinion vs. being a BIOTCH. But when the balance is found, if they can come out of the blackness of regret and bitterness...these are often the most well adjusted women you can meet in my humble opinion. The key however, if figuring out what is making you so F___ing angry, what is fueling the rage that sometime makes you realize you could actually kills someone with your barehands. (no I don't relate at all)

I want to stop being angry but I don't know why I am in the first place...I have realized that when I get enraged I am usually feeling trapped in a corner of some kind and it feels like a fight or flight reaction, like some instinct is taking over my body and mind and I want to kill someone. However this rage really only comes out at my husband so clearly I have control over it in some fashion.

Why don't men seem to have these rage problems...many would say they do not give of themselves when they don't want to , they posses their lives more then women do?

How do we stop the anger? How we own our lives without being selfish bitches?

If you figure it out, PLEASE share.

On Vacation

Well yesterday was my first day of the first vacation I have had in almost three years. Last year I did not take a vacation because I was saving my days for my materantiy leave that I did not end up taking. I took the leave but only 3 and half months.

God is good, my kids are quietly playing upstairs, the baby is asleep, my house is cool even though it is hot today, I have music from India playing on my computer -fusion http://www.musicindiaonline.com/l/30 for anyone who is wondering. We did groceries yesterday and so the fridge and freezer are full. A full fridge is so comforting to me...like I have done my job providing for my family, not only do we have food but choices! As a budding cook the full fridge makes me I feel like an artist who just got new paints and there are are millions of choices of how to mix and meld and create something of a sensation of beautfy..something that sustains the body and fills the soul with the experience of eating it.

We have two best friends coming to visit us this vacation....friends that have know us since before marriage and kids....new us when we were young and beautiful....it feels so good to be known in this way...to have certain events and facts known and have no need to explain.

I am also going to New Brunswick for my parents 50th wedding anniverary party. A huge event and a huge accomplishment in this world. Both Tim and I will have seen our parents celebrate 50 years together. Tim's mom died shortly after her 50th...my parents are alive and well.

I want to enjoy my days, not feel stress to do anything, laugh with my girls and hang out with my husband...today we have a birthday party...hmmm what will I make for lunch...I think a creamy basil dressing on a BLT salad with fresh bread from the bread maker.

let the sun shine!

Dil Se

Something about the sensibilty of Indian film and fiction that exactly fits into my sensing world...poetry, dance, luxuory, forbidden love, colour, music, pain, extremes of all kinds.... I just watched a film that I borrowed from the library of the biggest fan of bollywood that I have ever met. (other then me) This movie ends up with two lovers who can't be with each other who explode themselves in a bomb in the name of love....one could say come on, that is a bit over the top but I don't feel that way. I thought it was so beautiful. Why don't I feel that way? There is something inside of me that wants to believe in a life that could be like that...of course it helps if you are a Hindu who believe in reincarnation so that you know you can back to life again and again and I am guessing that dying in the name of love gets you MANY Karma points.

I live vicariously in the passion of the poetry in those films, in the passion of the dance and the love of not only good tasting food but beautiful food...spice is often added only to create a certain colour. I want passion in my life...in all facets of my life. But to have the capasity to feel great passion one must also experiencel great pain. Everything feels so mudane...I have recently been in contact with some people who knew me in high school...a reunion has been purposed and I don't want to go....as much as my heart wants to be with people who know where I am from people who knew me when I was young and beautiful and going somewhere...I feel like they would be so surprised to see that I am fat, in a very normal job, soccer mom...nothing that changes the world. One of my classmates works with the UN in Cosavo another the with an organization to redue poverty....another just finished becoming a Physio and will go to third world countries and heal people. I guess the fact that I am in a few days going to be 34 doesn't help....

So how do I become more active in my own life? I always lecture about being present in life, living consiously...but for the past while, I have been running from consiousness...I don't want to feel anything. What is it about our culture that teaches us this? People keep so busy they can't feel, so full of food they can't feel, so much, so much....

The older I get the more lost I feel...maybe I can go to India and find myself like Alanis did...

Thank U"

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

Days that are no more

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.

-Alfred, Lord Tennyson
(from Tears, Idle Tears)


I have passed a milestone in my life, in fact it is many miles back I just did not notice that was passed. The days of night clubing are no more...Should I cry or rejoice? I still love to dance, will dance to my dying day but the boom boom of the techno-beat no longer fills my soul...alas it is true. I kept thinking aren't they going to play music, with words and differing beats and rythums.

I danced for four hours and felt tired but preaty good Today, I am in pain, I have to have Advil...my knees hurt, my hips hurts, even my toes hurt.

I feel kind of sad at this passing but I am ready to embrace the next step. The next step may be as I enjoyed the first part of last evening, sipping a cosmo straight up made for me by my good friend with his best vodka, listening to smooth jazz, chatting and laughing in the ossais of peace and good taste that is his home.

the rest of the poem reads....

Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,
That brings our freinds up from the underworld,
Sad as the last which reddens over one
Thank sinks with all we love below the verge;
So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more.

Ah, sad and strange in the dark summer dawns
The earliest pipe of half-awakened birds
To dying ears, when into dying eyes
The casement slowly grows a limmering square;
So sad, so strange, the days that are no more.

Dear as remembered kisses after death,
And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned
On lips that are for others; deep as love,
Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;
O Death in Life, the days that are no more!