What does a good parent look like???
Some parents say the those parents parents who "do time outs" are letting their kids rule their homes, that there is lack of dicipline. They chuckle at the struggle we have with how to dicipline other then corporal punishment. Some parents who choose not to spank or follow the hallowed Dr. Dobson feel that the "other" parents are trying to made their kids sqeaze into some sort of mold, even if the child did not fit or even bleeds because of it...
We all have our bagage and we can learn from it... but we can move it from our luguage cart onto the cart of our kids if we are not careful. What do I want for my kids??? I want them to feel like the essance of who they are is good, to know that no matter what they think or feel that their parents will be there. It does not mean we agree or condone but we are there. I want them to develop their minds and creativity unhampered. I want them to be brillent with people, read them, understand them, feel compassion for those around them.
I also want them to love me, think of me fondly, not with anger or hurt. I want them to respect me and my choices.
We really can make BIG mistakes with kids, mistakes that plauge them for life...how does God fit in? My parents prayed for me alot and I made some good choices that did not make sense unless you recogize God's part in it all - by way of my parents prayer...Prayer is NOT enough! God gives usn thoughts and brains and expects us to use them..hoe much do you intervine and how much do yoy trust God and stand back?
hmmm I feel overwhemed...better go find that ice cream again....
bla
posted by mimlap @ 10/19/2005 02:16:00 p.m.
7 Comments:
You cite Dobson, and I hav heard criticism before but I am not sure what you disagree with him about as far as child-rearing?
I was also interested in the cryptic reference to fitting into a mold, and the idea of bleeding in the same paragraph as spanking. Parenting is one of those topics, like politic, that leads to arguements about what is best and what damages a child.
Ok, you got me on two points...You are right I was not careful with my words...I did not mean to say that spanking = bleeding.
I guess just like the parents who choose to spank and get critized the parents who choose not to also get critized. Just as I do not want to be critized I too should not critize... hmmm lesson learned.
There were two thoughts there really. (1) feeling judged by some not all of those who feel that strict dicipline is the Christain way to parent and (2) thinking of the school system (the world) that wants children to fit into the mold that produces the same product and when you are a child like J. this type of stuffing into a mold could affect a mortal wound..
I did not mean to start a fight, I was just feeling confused about how tough does a parent get with a child...our middle child is very affraid of school, we found out she has been crying everyday and she is starting to express that fear to us. I mean she has terror in her eyes when school comes up. We are going to home school her..we want her to know that we will listen to her and protect her. I know many will say...you have to parent the child, don't let the child make the decison but my gutt is that she needs to not be in a school enviornment right now. It is hard to know when to push the child and when to listen to them.
Lastly, Dobson, hmmm I have to admit I have not read his stuff extensivly but what I have read really rubs me the wrong way...once again I have an uninformed opinion...I will read more of him and get back to you with a more informed opinion soon.
PS I did not have anyone that I know in mind when I wrote this...I was thinking about "them" out there who think "that"
As with everyone else I would rather defend what I do as the best since I do it and would rather believe that anything else then must be damaging or at least not the best.
The wonderful part of all these child struggles is that every child is different. My second boy has not always liked school and sometimes he still doesn't want to go. We talk a lot about what bothers him, and why he doesn't want to and if we can do something about it we try to act (I need to follow up and see if he has a different bus buddy now).
My older son has almost always loved school (more structure was provided at school than at home). But he did have a time that he didn't like it (grade 1).
I am sure that you guys are finding out the problem your middle child has with school and adressing in the way you see as best. no one knows he as well as you guys.
Some of my most powerless and helpless moments come when I see fears or problems in the lives of my children. Nothing hurts quite like that and there is almost nothing we wouldn't do to try and fix the situation for them.
Amen, when I saw the fear in her eyes I wanted to hurt the person who made her feel that way if there was a person...I think it is just that the big nosiy classroom is not a safe place for her...God help us all..I mean it I am not just using the phrase (=
Miriam,
It is funny that you posted this because I've recently been thinking (and posting a bit) about parenting "by the book".
I think that we find a method that "works" for us with one child and our lazy mindset is to say, "Such-and-such-a-method is what works". Nevermind the fact that children are individuals. I only wish that what has worked with one would work with all of them....not in a million years! We're not anti-spanking, but there are certain children that you would have to spank to excess to even make an impression, and I won't do that. On the other hand, we have one that "no" will reduce to tears...I can count on one hand the number of spankings she's had.
I find it interesting when I read how God deals with his children in the Bible how he doesn't use the same "method" again and again. There are times where God seems harsh and there are other times where I feel like saying, "Don't you think you've extended enough grace? When is enough a enough???"
I tend to be of the personality type to want a formula and I daily try to die to that. I've been very positively affected by things like Mark Hamby's (http://www.lamplighterpublishing.com/CatalogNewsletter.asp)The Strong Willed Parent (notice is it not the strong willed child) and Families Where Grace is in Place.
Some Christians try to downplay grace in parenting as permissiveness. I think that if it is true grace, then that can't be true. Not that there isn't a time to be strict and hold close to ideals/rules/principles but parenting is a relationship, not a set of rules.
Blah blah blah. Sorry, didn't mean to blab on for ages :-)
I feel trapped in the middle on the parenting question. She-who-shall-not-be-named thinks corporal punishment of any kind is positively Medieval, as well as being Evil and Absolutely Uncalled For. And there are parents in the Christian right who think that the first and last word on parenting is "Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child". In the middle is a vast unclaimed territory full of real parents and real children.
One thing I really like about my conversations with Tim about parenting styles, is that he recognizes patterns of selfish behaviour in himself and in others, with regards to the way we tell our kids what to do. Sometimes the discipline problem is the parent, not the kid. I hate to see kids having fun and harming nobody, only to have a selfish and immature parent descend on them harshly and punish them for being lively happy kids who are playing and making a little more noise than their adult caregiver can stand. It would be great if the parent who has a headache, or is tired, could realize they are making a request that is for their own good, not merely for the good of the child, and to thus clearly establish a pattern of dialog with the child that teaches the child to respect others, without teaching the child that parent's preferences are the only preferences that matter. Etc.
In terms of spanking, I've never given my kids the kind of spanking my parents gave me. The kind where you bend the kid over your knee, and deliver the lecture about how this hurts me more than it hurts you, and then you take a wooden spoon and you deliver a prescribed number of whacks to the bottom. However she-who-must-not-be-named considers a swat, or a tap on the head, or a single solitary smack on the backside, one that does not hurt the child so much as yank the child's attention away from whatever it was they were focusing on, and she considers it all to be a clearly delineated black and white line between the practice of Ahimsa (total non-violence) and craven bloodlust. Because kids are spanked , they grow up to be murderers, car-jackers and rapists. Kids who are not spanked are not bitter and angry about everything, and if only she-who-must-not-be-named had not been spanked as a child, she wouldn't be quite so much of a bear to deal with as an adult. On that last point, the two of us are perhaps agreed.
UltraWarren
I didn't realize I was supposed to grow up to be all those things since I was spanked as a child (not near as much as my wife was though...)
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