Je Suis!

New Blog

2008-01-23T10:56:00.000-06:00

I have decided to start fresh and start a new blog....come visit me at http://happiness-mimlap.blogspot.com/

Thanks,

mimlap

A ha!

2007-01-28T16:10:00.000-06:00

I have blogged and discussed and thought about sadness a lot in the past few years. Why are people so sad, why are so many depressed - what is normal sadness and when should you seek medical help. With the aid of Bono (U2) I think I finally understand something about peace thus about sadness.

I heard Bono say "Have the Peace that passes understanding, but do NOT be at peace with the world."

Let me flesh out my thoughts....

We should have a general sense of well being - the peace that passing understanding. The peace we cannot glean from anywhere - it is given us from The Father. But it is not a peace that leaves us happy - feeling good - feeling even keeled. It is a peace that passes understanding - that is there no matter what is going on, not matter what anyone says or does.

Not being at peace with the world says to me - there is much that should pain us, there is much that makes sense for us to feel sad, angry or upset about. Poverty, sickness, lack of justice.

I think "society" tells us that we should feel good all the time - that if you don't feel good you have find that which is pulling you down and get rid of it - whether it be a person, fat, money, lack of money, a boss - whatever . But we should not feel good all the time - there is much to be angst ridden about - I think this is why a lot of art is sad or angry....Often an artists is a person who is not at peace with the world and has to get it out some how - thus we have the Bonos of the world, the Bruce Cockburns, the Indigo Girls....

So I feel like I understand and appreciate something about myself and many other people - about the balance to look for between having the peace that passes understanding and NOT being at peace with the world...saying it is not only ok to not feel happy all the time but if you do, you are most likely not living honestly or in touch with your world....this was my Aha.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

2006-12-16T23:20:00.000-06:00

How lovey are your branches.....

Well we finally got it up today - and decorated too! Some how it feels that is all is more right with the world when you have lights and a smell of pine and bayberry in the air. Unfortunatley, our stove is broken so I have not baked anything yet. I will have to make some squares that do not require baking. So I don't have the smell of anything baking in the case that you were wondering.

This is the first year I feel an enourmous amount of pressure to not disappoint my girls...they are so excited - they half believe in Santa Claus and if I get just the right thing I might be able to keep the faith that is faltering - alive. I realize it is all a plot to get you to spend spend spend - but their eyes shine with such excitment - if I didn't have a reasonable husband to answer to I would most likely buy all that is on the list. I would pay with stress and more debt but their eyes - their excitment - it is so beautiful and innocent - I want to give them everything even if it is not a good life lesson BUT.....I cant find that frekd3^$#@&(@$* Crystal Rainbow Castle. It does not seem to be sold in Canada and no company from the US will ship to Canada. Oh well....

Well gotta sleep - church tomorrow - the kids do their Christmas Play.

Love, Joy, Peace, to you all.

Angry Women

2006-09-23T07:18:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile my fine friends. Well, I am back to getting up early on Saturdays while the kids watch cartoons. I could be buzzing around the house doing things but I just don't want to...I need to just be.

Today I want to discuss the women in life who are angry. There seem to be many women walking around angry....why?

(1) They have sacrificed so much in life that they did not really want to sacrifice and when they did not receive what they considered appropriate accolade, they get bitter
(2) they have been screwed by some man and want the world to pay
(3) They took a women's studies course, bought into EVERY extreme idea and think that the world owes them some serious retribution...and they can satisfy themselves thank you...hello Mr. Rabbit.
(4) most of the time the anger can be pushed down but every once in a while it bubbles to the surface and erupts in a seemlying inappropriate time that leaves those around asking...what happened, why is she so mad? These rage outbursts are usually only with a very significant other - they are the only one trusted enough to let the rage out on...lucky people.

I have experienced a number of women in my life who have decided to reclaim their lives and stop living passively( very brave) and those around do not react well at first...they want the"I will do whatever you want" person back. It usually takes the compromised women a year or two to find the balance between excerting their opinion vs. being a BIOTCH. But when the balance is found, if they can come out of the blackness of regret and bitterness...these are often the most well adjusted women you can meet in my humble opinion. The key however, if figuring out what is making you so F___ing angry, what is fueling the rage that sometime makes you realize you could actually kills someone with your barehands. (no I don't relate at all)

I want to stop being angry but I don't know why I am in the first place...I have realized that when I get enraged I am usually feeling trapped in a corner of some kind and it feels like a fight or flight reaction, like some instinct is taking over my body and mind and I want to kill someone. However this rage really only comes out at my husband so clearly I have control over it in some fashion.

Why don't men seem to have these rage problems...many would say they do not give of themselves when they don't want to , they posses their lives more then women do?

How do we stop the anger? How we own our lives without being selfish bitches?

If you figure it out, PLEASE share.

On Vacation

2006-07-15T08:02:00.000-05:00

Well yesterday was my first day of the first vacation I have had in almost three years. Last year I did not take a vacation because I was saving my days for my materantiy leave that I did not end up taking. I took the leave but only 3 and half months.

God is good, my kids are quietly playing upstairs, the baby is asleep, my house is cool even though it is hot today, I have music from India playing on my computer -fusion http://www.musicindiaonline.com/l/30 for anyone who is wondering. We did groceries yesterday and so the fridge and freezer are full. A full fridge is so comforting to me...like I have done my job providing for my family, not only do we have food but choices! As a budding cook the full fridge makes me I feel like an artist who just got new paints and there are are millions of choices of how to mix and meld and create something of a sensation of beautfy..something that sustains the body and fills the soul with the experience of eating it.

We have two best friends coming to visit us this vacation....friends that have know us since before marriage and kids....new us when we were young and beautiful....it feels so good to be known in this way...to have certain events and facts known and have no need to explain.

I am also going to New Brunswick for my parents 50th wedding anniverary party. A huge event and a huge accomplishment in this world. Both Tim and I will have seen our parents celebrate 50 years together. Tim's mom died shortly after her 50th...my parents are alive and well.

I want to enjoy my days, not feel stress to do anything, laugh with my girls and hang out with my husband...today we have a birthday party...hmmm what will I make for lunch...I think a creamy basil dressing on a BLT salad with fresh bread from the bread maker.

let the sun shine!

Dil Se

2006-05-23T21:38:00.000-05:00

Something about the sensibilty of Indian film and fiction that exactly fits into my sensing world...poetry, dance, luxuory, forbidden love, colour, music, pain, extremes of all kinds.... I just watched a film that I borrowed from the library of the biggest fan of bollywood that I have ever met. (other then me) This movie ends up with two lovers who can't be with each other who explode themselves in a bomb in the name of love....one could say come on, that is a bit over the top but I don't feel that way. I thought it was so beautiful. Why don't I feel that way? There is something inside of me that wants to believe in a life that could be like that...of course it helps if you are a Hindu who believe in reincarnation so that you know you can back to life again and again and I am guessing that dying in the name of love gets you MANY Karma points.

I live vicariously in the passion of the poetry in those films, in the passion of the dance and the love of not only good tasting food but beautiful food...spice is often added only to create a certain colour. I want passion in my life...in all facets of my life. But to have the capasity to feel great passion one must also experiencel great pain. Everything feels so mudane...I have recently been in contact with some people who knew me in high school...a reunion has been purposed and I don't want to go....as much as my heart wants to be with people who know where I am from people who knew me when I was young and beautiful and going somewhere...I feel like they would be so surprised to see that I am fat, in a very normal job, soccer mom...nothing that changes the world. One of my classmates works with the UN in Cosavo another the with an organization to redue poverty....another just finished becoming a Physio and will go to third world countries and heal people. I guess the fact that I am in a few days going to be 34 doesn't help....

So how do I become more active in my own life? I always lecture about being present in life, living consiously...but for the past while, I have been running from consiousness...I don't want to feel anything. What is it about our culture that teaches us this? People keep so busy they can't feel, so full of food they can't feel, so much, so much....

The older I get the more lost I feel...maybe I can go to India and find myself like Alanis did...

Thank U"

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

Days that are no more

2006-04-15T13:09:00.000-05:00

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.

-Alfred, Lord Tennyson
(from Tears, Idle Tears)

I have passed a milestone in my life, in fact it is many miles back I just did not notice that was passed. The days of night clubing are no more...Should I cry or rejoice? I still love to dance, will dance to my dying day but the boom boom of the techno-beat no longer fills my soul...alas it is true. I kept thinking aren't they going to play music, with words and differing beats and rythums.

I danced for four hours and felt tired but preaty good Today, I am in pain, I have to have Advil...my knees hurt, my hips hurts, even my toes hurt.

I feel kind of sad at this passing but I am ready to embrace the next step. The next step may be as I enjoyed the first part of last evening, sipping a cosmo straight up made for me by my good friend with his best vodka, listening to smooth jazz, chatting and laughing in the ossais of peace and good taste that is his home.

the rest of the poem reads....

Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,
That brings our freinds up from the underworld,
Sad as the last which reddens over one
Thank sinks with all we love below the verge;
So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more.

Ah, sad and strange in the dark summer dawns
The earliest pipe of half-awakened birds
To dying ears, when into dying eyes
The casement slowly grows a limmering square;
So sad, so strange, the days that are no more.

Dear as remembered kisses after death,
And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned
On lips that are for others; deep as love,
Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;
O Death in Life, the days that are no more!

Who I want to be when I grow up!

2006-03-21T09:48:00.000-06:00

I want to be....

-a 30 something women who has recovered the attitude I used to have that said - of course people are lookin at me, I am sexy and I don't think you're ready for this jelly!

- a 30 something women who has recovered the body I used to have before 3 babies and buy beautiful clothes that most people would not wear.....

-a published writer who has writen an article about gendre roles and parenting...men are men and women are women

-the holder of a Masters degree - it is free what am I waiting for????

-a manager of something....I am tried of being a worker bee, I am ready to lead!

-a 30 something women who has finally met Oparh!

-an accomplished dancer of something in particular, modern, jazz, something specfic. I want to take lessons.

-a women at peace...the kind of person that people want to be around because there is a peaceful nature about them...serentity now!

-a women who is totally gaga over her husband and he is gaga over her...in the good way not in the way that makes you want to puke.

-a well read women, a well informed women, a well watched women (meaning watched good films) I wouldn't mind if I were well watched as well...that will come I am sure!

-a women who has laugh lines about her eyes from years of mirth and enjoyment.

Well that is enough for now...I could dream longer but I will leave this for now. I call upon all that is good in the universe to join together for the good of mimlap!

Truth will set us free!

Non-Veg a shift in world view

2006-03-11T12:39:00.000-06:00

What do I mean? I recently was at dinner party where the people eating were all from India(except me) and there was a heated discussion with religous undertones regarding if being vegitarian or non-vegitarian was best. Usually "we" speak of vegitarians as the alternative, to these people non-veg was the alternative life choice and even more, an edgy choice. Everything is relative...I am trying to look at life these days with a veg / non-veg perpective. Carring that threat further through this dense fabric that is my brain...I have been considering something else....I heard a paper be presented that was looking at scholarly writing and asking the question...why is the linear, direct, consice way of writing the most correct? Culture, Educational practice impact scholarlly writing of those outside North America, why not change our concepts and embrace the other??? Saying that scholarly writing in English should be influnced by it's writer whose culture frames their writing is revolutionary....very non-veg. I now want to look at some of these issues while doing some reading courses for my Masters...here is hoping my steam dosen't run out and that I hold on to my new non-veg world!

Honestly Living, living Honestly - what does it look life?

2006-02-26T16:37:00.000-06:00

At church today I made a effort to live my life more honestly and I am scared what the reaction will be but I am even more scared that what I think won't make a difference, that no one will care. I want life to have a point and tried to express a thought to that end today. At the same time, same place I shyed away from taking a stand that I should have taken...of stating I would not accept a behaviour...I feel like Peter when he denied Christ, I feel like I did not stand for women kind, something I actually feel strongly about....

I think all kinds of courageous thoughts but I rarly say them. I am famous for saying I was so mad I ALMOST said something. When do you say a possiblly "rock the boat" kind of thing and when do you show caution and not rock the boat so that when the boat really needs to be rocked "THEY" take you seriously? I usually error on the side of caution but often leaves me enraged on the inside... What is living honestly? Obviously it is not saying every thought in your mind but what do you say and what do you not say? This is my boggled mind's question today...What does it meant to live honestly? Please let me know what you think.

What is the #$%^^&* point??

2006-02-01T20:23:00.000-06:00

What is my purpose for each day? What am I here for? Does it matter what I am here for? Are we only here to be in relationship with each other, with God? Can our life really be purpose driven or is it all made up...another formula that eases us through each day, a false sense of importance? Are we arrogant to think we have more purpose then to love our friends and family and someone feed and clothes ourselves and maybe some others if we are rich enough? Most of the world works their hands to the bone each day just to eat... their purpose is to survive until tomorrow and figure out how to find food...for those of us in this nation where too much food is killing us...to much lesiure (sitting around, no exerise) is killing us...what is our purpose? What do we learn from each other? , the poor from the rich and the rich from the poor?

You know that saying "What you don't know can't hurt you?" maybe it is really the opposite, what we know hurts us...maybe we know too much...information is confusing us...making our head nosiy to the point of depression, overeatting, under eatting,

I have a job and three babies...I feel like I cannot do anymore then that...I fall into bed each night...any time I take, like this, is forced because otherwise I would have no fun, nothing to look forward to..but I pay for this time with fatigue....I should be doing more at church, give to my community, cook better meals, send thoughtful cards and do thoughtful things but I can't!!!! My purpose these days is to work, do a good job, try and get a promotion, secure myself in my job...to try be available to my kids and husband...help to keep my family...after that there is nothing left...but this feels so lonley and empty...this is supose to be the stuff of life...why do I feel so lonely and sad when I have a wonderful family, enough food on the table and clothes on my backside? What I am missing....why do I relate to Black Mama's song "I shot myself today" so much? What is the %^*()*(__*&^%^ point...Jesus I would ask you to write on the wall but American Idol is on just now....I don't have to time to read.

A Poem

2006-01-22T22:08:00.000-06:00

OK, Ok here is a new post...you asked for it.

Cocoon, cover me
computer buzzing, TV blasting, baby mointer boasts
white noise at me, I soak it in
silence is too loud
I don't want my synapse to be crossed
I don't want my breath to fill my lungs
I pull Lucinda's heavy blankets up over my head...they whisper evil in my ear
Jesus save me...that blinking sign says you will!

Damn I am Good!

2005-12-16T22:23:00.000-06:00

Had a job interview today...it went well I think but I kept having out of body experiences the whole time. I felt like I was looking down at myself. At some points I was thinking, wow, I am articulate, I didn't even know I could be so insightfull and other times I looked down at myself and saw my fat roles on my belly, saw my cheeks flushed from nerves and excitment, saw my unslightly man hands with crewed fingernails. (not that man hands are ugly but they are on a women. Women's hands on a man are considered graceful but the opposite is not true)

Sometimes I really do think Damn I am Good, but most of the time I think why can't I be extra-ordinary...why I can't I be the one that people are talking about...did you hear about mimlap she is really a bright star (mostly they don't say this because I cannot spell, it is not for lack of effort, it really is a disability that I have and i can't seem to get my blog to spell check) I also seem to be ok, but not wow. The funny thing is when someone really does believe in themselves ( not false confidence or bravado but real belief in oneself) people around them eat it up, believe it too, I have seen it time and time again...people believe about you what you tell them. (I know it does not apply all the time but 8 times out of 10 I bet.

Anyway....now I just want to climb into bed and disappear for a few days...I feel naked and affraid...maybe the evil after effects of having had a few moments today where I actually felt good about who I am...get thee behind me satan.

mimlap out

What is Normal???

2005-12-05T09:28:00.000-06:00

Can someone please help me? I know this is a question that cannot be answered but I ask it anyway. What is normal? What is a normal amount of sad? What is a normal amount of chocholate to eat in one day? What is a normal amount of rage? I struggle to know, I struggle to know when to say...I need help..or you need help. when I do need help or you do, should it be from a professional or should we be able to help each other as friends? Love does cover a multitude of not normal!

hmmm

We Don't Need to Judge....

2005-12-02T19:18:00.000-06:00

"Would more people come to church if they knew no one would judge them, because everyone there was so aware of his own brokenness that he couldn't possibly point a finger at someone else?" John Fischer - Confessions of a Caffinated Christian

Henri Nouwen makes this same point in "The Way of the Heart." See, a main line christian and a catholic priest saying the same thing, it must be a truth!

When I talk about not needing to tell people about judgement and how ugle they are, that they already know they are ugly...we can't point that judgement finger...this is what I mean, I am not a memeber of the "young people these days" who believe that there are no consequences...I feel that we are so guilty we cannot judge and if we really are aware of ourselves, the people around will be aware of our own attitudies and thoughts and become more aware of themselves. Relationship is the best way to bare our selves and let people see our ugly selves and the Grace that is flowing down to cover that ugly...what a powerful message...stop faking it, be naked and Love it other. (opps what kind of search would pull up this blog?)

I do believe the church as it is, is becoming irrelevant, so full of hypocrisy how can we possiblly expect people to come???? Revolution people, lets really see what happens, what kind of safe place we can be if we simply love people. Ya, I do think it is that simple.

See what reading can do to fire me up....I feel excited at the thought of a church that really works at not judging people, that doesn't have to add the BUT except when....

Any hoo just a few lite thoughts for the evening. Read "The Way of the Heart" study it, absorb it, it could cause a revolution....

mimlap out!

A song for a dreary Monday

2005-11-28T10:22:00.000-06:00

Hammer and Nail - Indigo Girls

( I LOVE these girls, my fav for a long time)

clearing webs from the hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
i've been digging too deep
i always do
i see my face on the surface
i look a lot like narcissus
a dark abyss of an emptiness
standing on the edge of a drowning blue

i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

i had a lot of good intentions
sit around for fifty years
and then collect a pension
started seeing the road to hell
and just where it starts
but my life is more than a vision
the sweetest part is acting
after making a decision
started seeing the whole
as a sum of its parts

and i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

my life is part of the global life
i'd found myself becoming more immobile
when i'd think a little girl in the world
can't do anything
a distant nation my community
and a street person my responsibility
if i have a care in the world
i have a gift to bring

i look behind my ears for the green
even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

Could Not get out of bed today....

2005-10-21T20:32:00.000-05:00

The air is heavy and it hurts to breathe....maybe tomorrow will be lighter....

What does a good parent look like???

2005-10-19T14:16:00.000-05:00

Some parents say the those parents parents who "do time outs" are letting their kids rule their homes, that there is lack of dicipline. They chuckle at the struggle we have with how to dicipline other then corporal punishment. Some parents who choose not to spank or follow the hallowed Dr. Dobson feel that the "other" parents are trying to made their kids sqeaze into some sort of mold, even if the child did not fit or even bleeds because of it...

We all have our bagage and we can learn from it... but we can move it from our luguage cart onto the cart of our kids if we are not careful. What do I want for my kids??? I want them to feel like the essance of who they are is good, to know that no matter what they think or feel that their parents will be there. It does not mean we agree or condone but we are there. I want them to develop their minds and creativity unhampered. I want them to be brillent with people, read them, understand them, feel compassion for those around them.

I also want them to love me, think of me fondly, not with anger or hurt. I want them to respect me and my choices.

We really can make BIG mistakes with kids, mistakes that plauge them for life...how does God fit in? My parents prayed for me alot and I made some good choices that did not make sense unless you recogize God's part in it all - by way of my parents prayer...Prayer is NOT enough! God gives usn thoughts and brains and expects us to use them..hoe much do you intervine and how much do yoy trust God and stand back?

hmmm I feel overwhemed...better go find that ice cream again....

bla

So..I had a baby and now I am a milk factory!

2005-10-13T14:53:00.000-05:00

I had a baby, she is beautiful and good and doesn't cry too much...but she is almost four weeks old and I am nursing every 2.5-3 hrs and I feel very cow like, I smell like sour milk, have bags under my eyes and I am fat and all I want to do is eat ice cream and watch skinny beautiful women on TV and wish I were them...no clothes fit, I have no money to buy clothes...went to Sally Annes to buy clothes and couldn't even find clothes to fit me there!!!!

Where is the balance? Many women say there is no balance at this stage in life, a small baby phase. I want to nurse but feel so trapped...I don't want to be fat...I don't want to wake up every 3 hours and be so grumpy because I am tried all the time. Then people get annoyed with you because you are grummpy...are you getting up every 3 hours???? If you were you would be grumpy too...

ARHHHHH...what was I thinking..I am so too old for this.

As my friend R. said, you asked for it, you wanted to have a baby! This is true and I am sure that I will soon blog about the amazing experience of being a mother to a small baby but right now....pass the ice cream!!!

Dazed and Confuzzed

2005-09-10T08:42:00.000-05:00

Last night a good friend asked me to go for a quick ice cream and I am always game for ice cream! We ended up with me being totally clueless at a baby shower for me and tons of people were there! I was so overwhelmed and happy, I felt so cared for. My baby is going to be the best dressed anywhere, it will ride in style and eat in style thanks to my wonderful, generous friends.

I am feeling so happy thank you all sooooo much, I cannot express how wonderful you made me feel and how loved my baby felt by osmosis.

I am dazed and confuzzed by your care!

A little South of Superior

2005-09-07T10:01:00.000-05:00

I am feeling MUCH better then I have in the past. I am still pregnant but won't be for long! Any day now as they say. I am home now. My daughter had her first day of SK today and my other daughter will start soon. I am feeling somewhat rested.

I am not feeling superior but almost.

Katerina....I can't seem to absorb what is happening. It feels like a TV show...many of my friends are feeling it but I feel numb to it. I think I still feel angry at the US because of Iraq and many other horrors like Rwanda. I don't feel pity. What is wrong with me? These are poor people suffering. My question for the day is how do we maintain empathy (1) without being overwhelmed by it and (2) in a world where the news is a TV show how do we plug in...after 9-11 I turned off the news for a long time....

My dad ( my HERO) listens to the world news on the radio. Maybe that is a better way, you mind conjures up the images and they are not programmed in.

Then the question comes, what do we do??? I also did nothing when the genocide happened in Rwanda. A good friend of my Dad's went there and worked with the UN, risked his life and had a huge impact on the peace effort. I watch TV, ate junk food and didn't feel anything till years later when I watched Hotel Rwanda...

How do I take care of my family and be involved in a meaningful way in the world? We often say "you can't save the world!" but maybe we can. I have been reading Judges, the story about Gideon. In essence he saved his world but doing the crazy things that God told him to... not logical thought out things, CRAZY things!!! Conqured a whole nation with 300 men when he had many more at his dispossal??? Crazy...

The word POWER is constantly flasing in my head, we have power through GOD, we can do things, we just need to claim it! Ask God to show you what to do...but be prepared for craziness....maybe you even put out a fleece and it comes back with an answer!

Be strong and courageous!

"In the last days it will be, God declares,
that I will pour out my Spirit upon all flesh,
and you sons and your daughers shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams...." Acts 2: 17

Another Day has dawned

2005-07-16T09:56:00.000-05:00

Well, I am feeling some better these past few days....I am going to start working fewer hours and the idea is nice but stressful at the same time. Will I be able to get things done? I have alot to finish before I "go". Our office is upside down right now, a director gone and new director come on Monday and many hopes and expectations for a better life at work.

I have been experienceing hormonal stuff and it has been difficult to feel so out of control of my own life, my thoughts, the words that come out of my mouth. My midwife thinks I am exhausted and that is why my head is cookcoo. I body is out of my control as well...the baby moves, absorbs my energy and nutrition, grows, I can't stop it, I can't have energy I can't bend over, I can't run, I am a factory at this point and the bottom line of a baby being produced is the final answer no matter how tired or fed up the factory worker is... Perhaps I should call this blog my Pregnancy Diary.....

Anyhoo I agree with Erica, life has been busy. I feel like the planet is spinning so fast....when will it end? I want to be by a lake, wind brezzing slightly, a drink in my hand, a slim body with an attractive swimsuit on (maybe even a bikini), and quiet, no voices calling, no phones ringing, no demands, no bills to pay, just a beautiful cottage behind me decorated by Design Inc. A man who actually loves me and does not wish I was something I am not comes out and quietly sits beside me and we absorb the quiet awe of life and it's sweetness....the cool breeze, the relaxing drink, a confident knowledge of being adored by your partner and the gentle sound of the water...

Now I have go and dress my kids, buy underware for my 5 year old, a present for a party at 2 and prepare for my part in church tomorrow...

God Have Mercy on Us!

I still haven't Found What I 'm looking for...

2005-07-05T18:25:00.000-05:00

I really do feel like I am searching for something that I cannot quite put my finger on. Who do I want to be? who am I now? Is it ok that I don't have the house fixed up how I want it? Is it ok that I am 33 and make very little money? I have been out of school for 11 years without taking a course, that is so sad. I have not been able to read much lately, it seems to take so much out of me...I do not feel that I am partiulally good at anything...by this time in my life I thought I would be shaping up to be good at something, I would have found my niche. I NEVER would have pictured myself as an admissions officer at a university. I wonder what people in high school thought I would end up as? I wanted to be a diplomat on behalf of Canada...

I can think of two things that I really want to do still...one is to become a pastoral leader of some kind and two and it fits together I think, to be a counseller. I want to help people know that they are ok, to help them look through the eyes of Jesus, God, the Universe whatever you want to call it and see how beautiful and precious they are. I really believe this is the message God has for us, not that we need to be whipped into some kind of spiritual shape that can quote scripture at people. Most people I know, know how ugly they are, know they need something, someone to help them become.... I think the amazing mystery of God is the love that is so pure and so available and you don't have to do anything but accept and believe it was meant just for you...the way you are, not having to change a thing except to say, ok, I will accept the love of the unknown mystery out there and begin to believe that I am worth something. It is odd how difficult it is to accpet this and to believe the message that yes as Lorel says, "you are worth it!"

How do I do these things and make money and care for my family. Each day seems so overwhelming...I am tired, I am restless, my soul is bleeding...how can I ever help anyone else...I want my days to matter but I still haven't found what I am looking for...

LIfe Really SUCKS!!!!

2005-07-01T11:51:00.000-05:00

Fuck, shit, damn and any other word that might work! I feel crappy, I hate my life and I don't want to live it. I was just watching TV and wishing that I was someone else, someone on that screen, not me. I am grumpy, fat, hormonal and poor and I hate all these things. Then I hear this voice in the back of my head that says I should be greatful for life, I should be gratefull that I can walk and talk and have my faculties, do I have my faculties?? I am not sure...I feel crippled all the time by a feeling of uselessness and an overwhelming sense of anger. Why anger?? I don't know I feel so incrediblly angery and I can't see to stop because I don't know where it is coming from. I want it to stop and I can't seem to numb myself enought to make it go away no matter what I do.. Ok enough self pity but I had to say it somehow. Where is God? What is contentment? Where is this peace that passes understanding, I haven't seen for a long time!

What Kind of Sex Should We be Having????

2005-06-23T22:11:00.000-05:00

ha ha, got you hooked right? My minding is mulling over what should we be expecting from marriage and/or sex? What does a normal relationship look like? I cannot accept the bull that everyone is different and you can't really say. There definently seems to be some key ingredients to get people through to that 50 yr anniverary. When I think of my parents (50 yrs next summer) they found each other attractive, had the same missionary goals (to go to Africa that is!), got married and stay married, not being married was not an option and so they made their way through what ever. They did not seem to have many expectations of each other, they were really each other's help mate, they wanted to have children and so they helped each other in that. There was a practicality to it all. They wanted to be missionaries and they helped each other in that. They seem even more in love now, it is more then practicality now. They seem to understand that on this side of the ocean of life, they have each other, someone to grow old with who will not be ashamed to wipe the others' bum if they can't do it for themselves... there is something so beautiful in that. But how did they make it that far? As a culture we put too much pressure on relationships to fill us, make us feel loved, beautiful, smart, sexy, complete. Is that fair, is that why marriage can't last long these days, because you cannot maintain all that for very long. So what can we expect from marriage that isn't giving up/setteling/ being lazy, but at the same time isn't killing it with unrealistic expectation?

I have similar questions about sex. What is a normal number of times to have sex per week, month, year, is it spiritual or just sex, should you "make" yourself do it even if you don't want to for the other person's sake? How can you create a safe place were both people get as much and as good sex as they can imagine. Men and women have different needs, different times in life biologically when they peak, what does that mean... are we always at different places sexually so we have to be always giving, serving the other? What is realistic to expect. Should we have higher expectations? How do we keep ourselves from wondering? Who can help us through this wilderness, I want to know so that if I really don't need to be worring about it then I can relax and know what is normal???

It's the flicker of our flames
It's the friction born of living
It's the way we beat a hot retreat
and heave our smoking guns into the river
Sometimes it feels like bars of steel I cannot bend with my hands
oh-I worry too much

Mark Heard -Second Hand

One of my interests- Brad and Jen

2005-06-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

Well as you would know if you read my profile, I have wondered why Jen and Brad broke up and so decided to watch the Primetime interview of Brad with Diane Sawyer.... Well my heart was broken! but it has nothing to with Brad or Jen or Angelina for that matter. Two things really struck me...one was that if you Google Brad Pit, there are over half a million hits on the web...he was asked about this and he (Brad) thought it was absurd...it is, while people are starving and dying in the country where I was born I watch a TV show because of celebraity obession..pop culutre junkie that I am. Well I did receive a message about the One Campagin www.one.org if you want to learn more. I can't seem to find the Canadian connection but will keep trying and let you all know..

What does this mean practically? How can I change my every day to make a difference. With $15 a year, a child in Africa can go to school. I need to re-evaluate my needs and wants...I often feel so sorry for myself.

The second thing that struck me was in a segment where the team is visiting a hospital and Brad describes just touching a child who had not been touched for a while because there were too many babies and too few nurses...with one touch the child was revived a bit. Let us take the gift of time when we have it to hug our kids, maybe that is 400 billion times more important then Piano lessons and getting to Soccer on time...maybe we need to cut some activities out of our lives and just be.

hmmm. I have to soak in a hot tub of clean water with a cold drink from my electric fridge and think before I go to my cozy bed with the $300 sheets/blankets on it.. woe is me.

A thought before my gay soap opera

2005-06-06T20:48:00.000-05:00

How's that for a hook?? I will not explain... Lets see what is my epiphanious thought for today? Well I realized that I am glad to be on this side of almost 11 years of marriage and 15 years of relationship with one person. I can say it has been worth it. I am realized that I often allow other people or social convetions to interpret my husband's behavious when really I should just ask him...this was the epiphany!

Temporary Insanity

2005-05-31T18:45:00.000-05:00

I am happy, I am sad, I am insanly upset, I am tired of this coaster. If I were not pregnant I would definelty be considering happy pills at this point. Yesterday was my 33rd Birthday. We don't have much money so we agreed to a simple celebration. By the time the drive from work home was done, I walked in the door and my husband said hello (very kindly and lovingly) I burst into tears and a holocaust of hormones ensued. Needless to say we went out and I spend TOO much money. I have buyers remose today. It will take us 6 months to work off the debt...

It brings me to a question I have pondered greatly over the past few years. Aside from Temporary Insanity like pregnancy, what is a normal range of emotion? What is normal mad, normal sad? I tend to think that we medicate away a lot of the normal because it is easier. ..at the same time we are in a time of extreme pressure, no time for life, lonliness because we don't have time for freinds, we have kids, morages, rent, OSAP payments....how do we survive? Some days I really lose hope, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Don't worry, just the normal sort of what do I have to look forward to. .. Then I see something like Hotel Rwanda and want to slap myself, look at the luxury I live in, with freedom and without fear of my life...but I am not fulfilled, I am not happy.. what does that mean and where does God fit it???

hmmmm, I stroke my chin and go to get my kids out of the bath and into bed.

Home Alone on a Thursday Night

2005-05-26T19:34:00.000-05:00

Well it looks I posted earlier today but I did not. When I set up my blog originally I took over Tim's personna...hmmm does this mean something? Anyway I had to re-set my blog and so actually this is my blog for today.

Thursday night used to be a great TV night... but then we started hosting a house group on Thursday nights. (house group-people from our church who we hang out with more then other people from our church) House group is great... I did not even miss the great TV, but tonight I do. We did not have house group tonight and all the shows are moving on the summer re-runs.. Alas, I have no TV to watch this evening.. I can't seem to read these days, I find it too emotionally draining and I can not seem to concentrate...Is this a lazy brain thing or a pregnancy thing or a I have to think all day at work and I don't want to think when I come home thing?

Well I should put my children to bed... actually I am not totally alone tonight, I will have sleeping children in the house.

Lord Bless this house-regenerate my intellect...wait if I start to think again, I may have to act...hmmm

2005-05-26T19:14:00.000-05:00

My First Blog

Well, I got the bare bones of my blog together... I realise I am really out of the loop of the web communication world because I really did not have an idea of what to present about myself but it will evolve. Well, today is only beginning, no much has yet happened to blog about. I woke up to my one daughter yelling at the other to "Stop looking at me!" and then the other daughter (who was doing the offensive looking) bursting into tears of rejection.

The main topic on my mind these days is that I am pregnant. This is number three. I am fat, uncomfortable and very moody. I recently went to my midwife because I thought my moodiness must be being caused by something else other then a large belly but alas, I am just a plain old Bitch these days. I really do try not to be but the hormones, the homrmones!!!!

I guess the most distrubing thing is that I do not really want to be pregnant now. I don't want another baby. Some days I do, but mostly I feel really overwhelmed by the thought of three children, we struggle to get through each day as it is. HOW are we going to get through more sleepless nights, diapers again, baby food....

Anyway, a new day awaits me, let us see what it holds. I will probablly feel very happy is about 3 min.... hormones, oh the hormones....